50 shades of French bureaucracy – the follow-up

One of the least beautiful places in France: a Prefecture waiting room

“Non, non, the Immigration Overlord warned, eyes widening as I began to stack up folders of paperwork in front of her.

Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. One pile for each member of the family.

Non, non, non, non, non.”

Her palms flew up and her head shook from side to side as she took in the volume of work I was dumping on her desk.

Oh là ! What is all this? It’s for a carte de sejour renewal? But it’s too many papers!”

She prodded my impeccably collated, impossibly complicated application documents as if they were coated in anthrax.

This was not starting well. Continue reading

50 shades of French bureaucracy

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It’s exactly one year since we left New Zealand on this big adventure.

Tomorrow we celebrate by heading to the local prefecture to see about extending our visitors’ visas.

Working through the bureaucracy will be an exercise in masochism.

France has seduced us with her wit, charm and good looks – and now that we’re gagging for more, the old madame is going to make us pay. Continue reading

Girls’ week in Provence – a tasting menu

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The girlfriends are coming.

They’ve got leave passes from real life to sneak over to the other side of the world for a couple of weeks.

An itinerary seems in order but I don’t want to be bossy, so I’m working on a pick’n’mix. Continue reading

Tears and pears in the French Alps

Madame, vous aller pleurer d’émotion.” [Madame, you are going to weep from emotion.]

The Monsieur paused for dramatic effect then presented a tiny cup of amour de poire, a delicate pear wine produced high up in the French Alps, a cork’s throw from the Italian border.

I knew it was a good idea to step into this curious little shop.

“You’ll get stuck in there,” Sabbatical Man had warned, eyeing the many signs at the door that suggested an eccentricity of proprietorship and eclecticism of wares that would make a quick browse impossible. Continue reading

Tasting snow

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Face down in the white, skis at odds, snowflakes up my left nostril, I practiced mindfulness and observed silence.

The silence of the mountains.

The silence of a metre of fresh snow.

The silence of The Instructor, a relentlessly positive man, finally lost for words.

Clarity came at last.

Skiing is suicide and I am not ready to die. Continue reading

The best condom-free sausages in France

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They are used to picky foreigners in the markets in and around Aix-en-Provence.

There’s always someone wanting to know about the life of the slaughtered chicken they want to buy.

Did the chicken house have indoor-outdoor flow? Continue reading

My computer is torturing me

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“No backups for 277 days.”

That’s what the laptop tells me today (although I am backing up – just not to the hard drive in New Zealand that my homesick laptop prefers).

Two hundred and seventy seven days!

Each day a new number that looks a lot closer to 365 than it did five minutes ago when the entire year stretched out before us.

Our year in France is evaporating – one bland, un-ignorable, inaccurate Apple warning at a time. Continue reading

Iceland and New Zealand – same-same but different

Camera too small, landscape too big.

I was struggling with this problem yet again in Iceland, on the side of an enormous glacier, when an Australian approached.

We exchanged adjectives and smiled at the view.

“Still,” he said. “It must be just like home for you here.” Continue reading